Hello, readers! Earlier in the year, I posted a review of five years ago, so I decided to post one for ten years ago. This has not been an easy one to write. Here it goes! Oh, and it's probably not an easy one to read, so be warned. The background is that I started this blog as a quick platform for updates and for keeping track of bits and pieces that inspired me. As a web designer and developer, I am always on the look-out for inspiring designs and ideas to collect. One of my instructors in university (Visual Communications degree) told us to do this because those ideas are always useful and inspiring for our own projects. So, this blog was really started as a collection of ideas, art, and designs in the world of web and graphic design. I mention this because my blog was focused more on that aspect in 2008. However, I do remember 2008 as an eventful year, and it was not great year for me in many aspects, but it was a milestone year with changes ahead.
Approximately three years prior to 2008, I moved from Southampton and started to work for a small company just south of Bristol. I mention this as it is important to 2008. I lived in Bath because Bristol was a bit rough at that time. I enjoyed Bath, and I still do. It is one of my favourite places. In 2007, I had to move from Bath. My daily commute was a minimum of just over four hours a day, my flatmate was mean and did not know boundaries, and I wanted to be closer to work friends; I ended up renting a house on my own within walking distance of work in a tiny 'village' just south of Bristol.
Unfortunately, the job was a bit dull; it was a male-dominated company with some odd rules. I met some great people and had some great friendships at the company, but I also needed something different and inspiring. With the flatmate issues, I did not want to rent. I just wanted stability. After a difficult time for a little over a year, the person I was seeing in Southampton previously (but turned out to be a jerk for most of the time I lived in Bath) wanted to make future plans. We were changing jobs and decided to buy a house together. We found one near Winchester and found a buyer for his place in December of 2007, and I finally felt like everything was coming together at last as I'd felt in limbo so long. We'd both taken new jobs that started on the same day in mid-December, and the commute was a long one from his place, but the plan was to be moved in to the new home by spring at the latest.
Unfortunately, we found out in early January 2008 that the housing chain fell through. I was told it was a long chain of eight people. We were at the end of the chain as we were buying a new build, and the bottom of the chain pulled out of their purchase, which meant all the purchases fell through because buying a house in the UK is next to impossible. I lost quite a bit of money as I put down the deposit. At this time, there were news stories which scared people about buying houses, which I knew were silly, but the other people being frightened and the media coverage meant we lost out (while other people who could afford were buying up at cheaper prices). Stupidly, his mother was frightened about it, and then gave him cold feet although I kept trying to say that it was not an issue and knew that smart people would still be buying.
A visit to Portsmouth's Spinnaker Tower in February, 2008. After years of watching it being built but late to be completed, I finally got to go inside and up the tower.
Things got worse after we lost the house due to the chain falling through, which leads me to tell my readers to not offer on a house unless you're absolutely serious because pulling out of a house sale in England (I believe the rules are different in Scotland) affects lives and costs a lot of people a lot of money. It was actually very stressful and put a lot of stress on us in addition to the continued long commute.
My commute was about an hour and a half each way to Basingstoke, and his would have been twice that long to Reading. Traffic was a mess, and it was stressful. Poor weather added to the stress because the smaller roads like the ones I lived on in West End (Southampton) were not taken care of in the snow. So, I ended up commuting and trying to get the housing situation sorted. At least I loved my job. My life has always seemed to be unbalanced; when the job is balanced and nice, the personal life is not and vice versa.
Despite the set-backs, which I will continue to explain, I tried to get my mind off of the stress. We went to Lille in France in early March via Eurostar for a long weekend. It was just a short trip that we'd booked a few months previously. We visited just before Easter, so we got to see Lille decorated for Easter.
Lille - chocolate Easter eggs
We also saw the girl band the Sugababes in concert in March (I believe the concert was in Birmingham) and also went to the ruins of Raglan Castle over the Easter weekend when we went to Wales to visit his mother.
Raglan Castle
When more bad news came, I also booked a last-minute trip to go away for a sun break as a surprise for him as I was feeling very stressed and we'd also had a snowy and trying winter. I booked a hotel in Alicante in Spain (Visiting Alicante and Benidorm in Spain) for a long weekend at the end of March as a surprise for him, but the weather ended up still being too cold for a proper sun break (which is what he wanted); we found a national park to explore and went to a theme park and to Benidorm. I really enjoyed the theme park. Overall, it was not too memorable a trip as I was feeling under a lot of pressure by then. Things were not going well at all.
Alicante
While the house problems were going on, my partner became a bigger problem. He wanted a different house because his mother did not like the garden and the house did not have a garage. (The house we really wanted that had both a larger garden and garage was reserved a couple weeks before we found a buyer for his house, so we went for the next best one in the development; we were both gutted but couldn't change this.) So, he complained and wanted to look for another house. I paid the deposits so lost out. Then it came to my attention a few weeks later that he was cheating. That was the reason we had split for a time when I was living in Bath a couple of years previously, but I was not aware it had started up again.
He'd become infatuated with a girl he knew from online who was obsessed with the same girl band that he was. She was also the same girl who caused issues when I was living in Bath and he'd be up most of the night chatting to her, which I later discovered. To put it simply, she was trouble and leading him on because she liked the attention and was frankly immature (she was a lot younger in age than he was and there are few people I know in their early 20s who are emotionally mature), and he wanted to be different because he obviously was not happy with himself. He wanted to act younger and be 'cool'. I often remember when we would visit his mother, he would walk far ahead of her because he did not want to be seen with her, and I thought that was rude and she didn't approve of that either. He'd belittle me as well. Looking back on this, I realise it really wore me down over the years from someone who was confident and creative to someone afraid of being belittled and that any action I took would cause him to snap.
A nice park I would walk to in West End, Southampton
It came to my attention because he got up extremely early one morning to see her. It was to turn up at her workplace at a what was once a large chain video/music shop in Basingstoke to help her take a delivery for the store. He would do anything to try to impress her and then treat me poorly.
Actually, during the whole time of him leading me on about the houses and moving, I later discovered that he was planning to move in with her. Yes, that is correct. He was in the process of renting out his house and moving to London to rent a place with her while he was still planning a house with me and getting me to pay deposits because I had savings and he did not. So, his wasting my time and messing with my feelings and my future is unforgivable and a horrible thing. He was a horrible person anyway, but that was one of the worst things anything has done to me. He did two more things of a similar caliber later on, which I will describe.
After it came to light what was happening, I went back to see my friends and family on short notice for two weeks (I had no place to go as I was living with him and was very hurt) and then returned at the end of the month. He promised to pick me up from the airport. But again, he was out with her and he left me stranded at the airport and it took me a day to get home with heavy luggage from Gatwick to West End due to no rail services running and having no way to get to the house from the train station. (These were the days before Uber, smart phones like we have now, and a taxi would have been too expensive.) This whole situation was the worst thing that anyone has done to me - and done in a cold and calculating way. This is the second item he did that was absolutely horrible.
Another view from the Spinaker Tower
I've not actually told many people this story, but he was just a mean person. He was controlling and selfish. One of his annoying quirks was that he was late to everything to control the situation. In fact, he was meant to be usher at his step-sister's wedding. I was ready to go and waiting and reminded him we needed to go, but he was on the computer (now that I think back on it, he would have been flirting with that girl) and would not get ready. Then, on the way in the car to wedding in Worcester, he threatened to crash saying his step-sister would probably forgive him for being late if he crashed the car. Thankfully, I talked him out of it. (Yes, he was crazy!) We were late, so he did not get to usher, but arrived just in time for the ceremony. I wonder if she ever knew the reason we were late (which was due to his being on the computer), and I certainly hope she didn't think it was due to me.
Everything had to resolve around him. It was as if I was stepping on eggshells when I was with him. We always had to do what he wanted and very rarely what I wanted. I discovered a few years later that he actually fit the typical narcisstic personality. I lost myself for a long time when I was with him and wished that I had not given him the chances that I did because he wasted my time, and time is the most important commodity.
After I returned form the states at the end of May and discovered he was not there to pick me up from the airport as he told me and that he was with her in London, I packed what little I had at his place. Luckily, most of my items were still in storage after I moved from the West Country. One of my colleagues that I did not know well was so nice and let me stay with her and her family in Basingstoke as I had nowhere else to go and I needed to get back on my feet. It was tough. I then found a place to rent temporarily and had some of my items moved from storage. I did not see him again. I moved on and focused on my job, which I enjoyed. I made good friendships with my colleagues. I basically did not like it when I had to leave work, and weekends were also tough as I was alone. I was still trying to overcome his nasty effect on me as I had lost a bit of myself in knowing and associating with him. He was a soul-sucking parasite.
I had friends that I met in 2003 in Hampshire (but they later moved further away) that had come to visit my new flat in late June. While I was out with them, he tried to ring my number approximately 30 times in a row. He left a couple of crying messages. On the last message, he threatened to call the police to have them find me because he missed me and wanted me to pick up. I did not. I ignored his texts and messages. See how crazy he was?
The Louvre, Paris
I started to make other friends. I went to Paris in early July with a friend for a long weekend and had a very nice time getting away from everything. I had been to Paris before, many years ago, so this was my second visit to the city. I went to the museums and to the Moulin Rouge, which I really enjoyed. I was still very much trying to find myself and recover from a bad relationship that lasted just shy of six years then.
I also went to Disneyland Paris, and it was the first time that I have ever been to a Disney park. I saw the fireworks, night parade, day parade, and went on several rides. It was not nearly as busy (and in high season) as my visit this March 2018.
Disneyland Paris in 2008
I was also making new friends via a colleague at my workplace who noticed I owned a MINI and invited me to meet some other people who owned them. In short, my colleagues at work became friends in addition to attending events with friends from MINI. I went to several MINI events, such as Poole Quay, a meet-up once a month on Portsdown Hill, and various pub and meeting nights in Portsmouth and drives around the country, including the Isle of Wight. I was very much rebuilding my life from scratch as my ex had seen to it that during the relationship, that I could not have other friends as he would become jealous; I has been controlled by him and lost a bit of myself. Like all absuive relationships, it obviously did not start out that way with the control; people like that are wonderful to you at first and then change slowly once they know they have you. If it had started out that way, I would have not been in that relationship. He told me that he was jealous because he was worried that I would cheat on him because his ex-girlfriend did. (I can only think he was projecting that because he was the one who cheated.)
Isle of Wight MINI Run in September
At the end of September, things changed and I did something that I regret. I had gone to the Castle Coombe MINI event with my colleague from work, and I was not having a great time. This event was the last major event of the year in the MINI calendar. The weather was extremely wet and dreary, and everyone was tired as we'd gotten up very early and arrived very early. Everyone went off, and I was just left to look around myself feeling abandoned by my friend who had taken me. I'd never been to that event before, but I started to feel lonely after looking around at the cars and did not know anyone. While I was wandering around by myself, the ex rang my mobile, and I answered. That was the regretable action. It was a huge mistake. It was a lapse in judgement.
MINI Castle Coombe event at the end of September
The feelings were still very raw and I wasn't recovered. This call would lead to more frequent calls later in October and then later messing up my mind about everything. Absolutely this was a huge mistake and waste of my time. I wish I had never taken that call.
Despite that lapse in judgement at the end of September, the beginning of October was great as I had earlier planned a few things. At the start of October, I went to Marrakesh in Morocco with a friend. I really enjoyed myself and had a good time getting photographs and traveling to places like Essaouira, the Cascades de Ouzoud, and the Atlas Mountains (Morocco Colours and Morocco, Part Two). It was an amazing trip. I had so much fun.
Morocco
After I returned from the Morocco trip, I had a couple of days back to work before going away for another few days. One of my closest friends from the states had a visit to Europe for the first time in early October with her partner for work, and the destination was Copenhagen (Autumn and Halloween Themes in Copenhagen). So, I joined her in Copenhagen for a few days. This was a lot of fun. We had a couple of days in Copenhagen to explore the city and go to Tivoli theme park before going to Malmo in Sweden across the bridge, where it rained but we went to a castle museum and to a few shops and ended up in a protest. Tivoli theme park was the highlight for me, and it was extra special because it was decorated for Halloween.
Tivoli, Copenhagen
Unfortunately, based on that call in September, I met up with my ex when I returned at the end of October. I remember that there was really bad weather storms at that time. One of the people I knew, but I did not know him too well, in the MINI gathering had died tragically. He owned a canal boat, and I guess he'd gone out to walk his dog in the storm and ended up drowning in the canal. He was found in the canal the next morning after the storm passed. I remember that because the night before the storm was the first day that I met up with my ex, and he had decided to work on things. He tried to make an effort. He'd begged me. He'd cried a lot. He cursed the girl he had been infatuated with. I wish I could have seen through his lies; he was just a user. Unfortunately, he knew where I was living after that and used it against me. Then, he was using me to stay at my place so he wouldn't have to commute so far. Again, he was just using me for convenience and I was naive.
Stonehenge
In November, one of my ex-colleague friends from my job near Bristol came to visit for a weekend. We went to Stonehenge because he had never been, but I had been a couple of times before and have driven past it a lot of times. After visiting Stonehenge, we went into my favourite city, Salisbury. We walked around the cathedral and I showed him the water meadows. There is a very nice walk from the water meadows to a little pub called "The Mill", bordering meadows of sheep and excellent views of Salisbury Cathedral. I lived in Salisbury for awhile, so I know a lot about different places to visit.
Wildlights at Columbus Zoo in Columbus, Ohio
In December, I had already planned to go back to Ohio to visit my friends and family. But on top of that, my ex wanted to go with me as well. I was not too impressed about him going with me. When we got to my parents', he acted like a jerk. He just wanted to be out shopping or on the Internet, which was slow at my parents' house as they live in the country, and we rarely saw my friends and family. All he wanted to do was to be online and out of the house. One time, he made a point of refusing to go on a day trip that we had planned with my parents. On the night before, he faked that he was really ill and on the brink of death; he even wrote a note to his mother because he said he was on death's door! He was obviously being over-dramatic and acting; he just wanted to go online all day. Yes, I thought he was crazy. Others did too.
I think he mainly wanted to come with me because he wanted to go skiing in Colorado, so we ended up in my home town for about a week and then had a flight to Denver right after Christmas to go skiing for a little over a week. Breckenridge and Aspen were the two places we visited, but we only skiied in Breckenridge. Both were very nice places, and we explored a little bit of Denver and Colorado as well. I loved the slopes in Breckenridge because I had not skiied much before, and I can do a partial snow-plough turn on one leg but struggle a little on the other. (I don't actually have great balance!) There was one run that started on the mountain and went all the way down to the main street. There was one small slope that was slightly too steep, but I made it down somehow.
Colorado
So, that year ended up going full circle without progress, but the progress was happening in the background as I had made new friends who would help me escape his abuse. It feels wrong to leave the story hanging here, so I must continue in order to close that chapter.
In spring the next year (2009), I could not afford the flat by myself due to spending money on him (or on account of him) and for another deposit on a house. To be honest, a two-bedroom flat was just too much money to spend on rent on my own, plus a few items were still in storage because the flat was partially-furnished. I moved out of the flat, but I was between staying with him and friends. I moved my boxes and furniture back into storage. Earlier that year, he was already talking about buying a house again, hence the deposit. I stupidly fell for it all again. Of course, things were not good, but I tried to get them to work but I didn't really trust him. After he knew he had me again, the belittling and mental abuse started up again.
Not long after moving back in with him in 2009, I discovered he was again talking to her after they had had a bust up in the autumn of 2008. This was probably the only reason he got in touch with me at the end of September. I then learned (but not straight away) that they were again planning to move in together after he told me she wasn't in the picture anymore. He was planning on renting his house out to move to be with her. He was telling me he wanted to buy a house but telling her he was going to rent his house and move in with her to London. He was doing all of this behind my back again.
The final straw was when he hit me when I was asleep; this was when I got out of there and stayed with friends. I already did not trust him, but I trusted him less then. What had happened was I'd gotten to his place after work and had moved a laptop bag from the floor to the sofabed. It was common that I would arrive home before he did, and I would do a bit of tidying up; looking back on this now, he was probably hanging out with her and looking for places to rent, although I did not know about this at this time. I had gone to bed, and he was on his computer again (he was addicted to it). I woke up with a big slap across my face. He said that the slap was due to me moving the laptop bag.
I should have seen the signs that something was up with him earlier. At about the same time, he was freaked out about having mice in his loft, and he wanted me to go up to the loft and move the boxes down because of the mice. He actually set up a survelliance camera to capture the mice moving around, and completely freaked out about it. I don't have a fear of mice, so it did not bother me. What he was doing behind my back was actually moving the boxes into storage in order to rent his place out, and I was oblivious to it. I thought he was just totally freaked out about the mice and that was the end of it.
All that time, he was telling me that he was going to buy a house with me and we'd go look at houses on the weekend, but then he'd go off with her and look at places to rent in London. I had no idea until later just what he was doing. I even had a couple of friends confront him about the way he was treating me.
So, 2008 was not a great year for me at all and was a year of change and a year of limbo. If I could do it differently (which I would in a heartbeat), I would have made sure to have changed my phone number. He was blocked in other methods of communication except for that. I should not have wasted as much time as I did with him, but he is a manipulative and controlling person. This is someone that I am glad is out of my life.
I know quite a few people (luckily) who have not gone through what I went through, so they struggled to relate to the situation and were not very sympathetic to me at the time. I tried my best and did not talk about it too much nor talk about this in much detail. I actually never dreamed that I would be someone who would have had to go through something like this as I have never been attracted to bad boys, and I enjoy a quiet life without drama. I did nothing to deserve what he did. There were a few red flags after I got to know him. He used his "my ex cheated on me" scenario to control who I spoke to. In these early days, communication to friends was an email or a phone call, so not as regular as having social media and smart phones/text messages. The other thing that he would do was belittle me to control every aspect of me, which is why it took so long to find myself again. People like my ex start out kind, but then they change once they know that they can because they know they are in control of the situation. I hope that anyone who is in a similar situation to this gets out and is not afraid to escape. Life is so much better without a narcissistic and abusive person wearing you down.
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