I needed a post to let some things out, so here it is. I think this post may resonate with some people, and we all need to be aware of our own needs and realise sometimes that things are not okay. I will be honest in that I am struggling a little bit, which has been set off by external factors - a combination of things, and it all got too overwhelming.
Before the pandemic and the lockdowns that began two years ago this week, things were generally okay. I was coping. Sure, I've had low points in my life. I've dealt with narcisstic and manipulative exes, bullying at school (and even in a couple of previous workplaces). I also realise that I have always suffered with high-functioning anxiety, although I didn't realise or know there was a name for it. It's difficult to get these things diagnosed officially, but I have read up on it and realise I actually do suffer from almost all of the symptoms, and I'm working on addressing it and trying to look after myself more. However, the pandemic has had a lot to answer for as does my previous employer with redundancy, and I was in a very bad place last autumn. Winter also isn't the easiest of times without leaving the house much at all this year so far, and things still have not been easy; a combination of things have caused a relapse in my mental health. Last year during this time, my workplace were giving us half-day Fridays, so I was actually feeling quite content at the start of last year. That was the last time that I felt remotely content.
Seeking help. One issue I have is over-thinking. When I think about my problems, I am quick to brush them aside. My first thought is that I am wasting time and others need more help than I do...that I am lucky in what I have and that someone else may need help more. That's destructive, though. I need to stop thinking of myself as a burden. I have done this throughout my life. Perhaps it stems from "children should be seen and not heard" mentality that was thrown into me as a child. This is not a good way to be. When I've needed to talk to bosses in past jobs - perhaps I had a good idea, I would think "don't bother them; they're too busy". Also, the same comes back for going to the doctor. I don't think anyone likes to take time out to go to the doctor, especially if they are busy. I've had bad coughs and pain linger for months before I decide I've had enough and go because I don't want to inconvenience the over-worked staff on something that may not be an issue. However, part of the problem is that women are not taken seriously at the doctor.
Seasonal. Certain months or times of the year are worse. Late January used to be the bane of my existance because the bad stuff happened around that time; late May through mid-June were also bad times. The last few years have seen this shift to March and then October. For the past few years, March has been unkind for a whole variety of reasons. Last year, it was work redundancies, and then I had that crazy woman leave a threatening letter through my door. The year before was the pandemic. The year before that was contracts. Then it was deaths. Then this year has been poo as well.
Coping mechanisms. I realised quite awhile ago that I have some coping mechanisms. I am good at bottling it up. At times, it's difficult to get out of bed. Other times, I try to keep myself busy. At social events, I try to keep busy by my photography hobby. I try to keep my hands doing something so I don't worry about being awkward. Keeping myself busy takes my mind off of it, but then that can be a bad thing too.
As I mentioned in a previous post already this month, things have not been going so well lately. In general, the whole world seems to be a mess. There's still the pandemic, and now there's a threatening dictator starting wars. (And I think my troubles are far less to be concerned about than what is happening with the people caught up in this, but I do still have valid problems and that is okay.) I was dealing with everything that was going on and feeling "acceptance" and trying to keep positive. However, one too many things can set a relapse.
I started back at work last week from the compassionate leave, and I've been so busy with back-to-back meetings and playing catch-up; my work got behind of course. I was dealing with that too. There were a lot of important meetings last week to tackle. Then, I was meant to receive a parcel. I got a notification to say it had been delivered. I panicked when I saw that it was at someone else's house on the ground in a garage in a photograph, and I had no idea where this house was, and it was pictured next to a bag of trash. I became extremely angry with the delivery company (DHL) for their incompetence, and this also concerned me because of my address and details left at someone else's house. The parcel had my correct details, but it was delivered to someone else.
The background of this is important. Go back to last year. Last year, I had a stranger in the community leave a threatening and nasty note in my letterbox. Somehow, she got my personal details. This situation caused me stress, and I am still paranoid about it. I changed my name across social media and locked things down further. I was always very careful before. I never gave my address out and was always concerned with what I posted.
The DHL delivery driver leaving my parcel at the wrong and unknown address, despite my address on it being correct, relapsed my paranoia and anxiety on top of everything else going on at the moment with death, inability to travel to see my family, new busy job with demanding hours...on top of rarely leaving the house for months and coming out of a mental health crisis last autumn. Sure, it sounds like not much to perhaps some of you, but it brought back all of the memories last year and was the final straw.
The parcel contained treats for a "pick me up" to deal with the crap that has been going on in the past few weeks. I wanted something to look forward to. During the lockdown, I purchased "lockdown treats" every now and again because I wanted to support others who were struggling due to that mess. (I've got a couple more of these posts to publish that have been written in the past two months.) While I have had to chase DHL, I also chased the company, and I've been bombarded during important client meetings about it during my hosting of the meeting. This angered me very much. It caused me a lot of extra stress in my life that I did not need.
I felt that the company that I ordered the treats from was also not being supportive after the parcel was delivered incorrectly. I know it's not their fault that it was not delivered to me (the address was correct on the parcel), but DHL have told me that they would refund the shipping costs, but it has to be done through the sender. I've broken down in extreme stress dealing with this; I'm angry at the incompetence, time spent on it, and the anxiety. And this placed me back to last year with the crazy lady with the letter.
I have now decided that I will not be using delivery unless it is absolutely necessary, and the "lockdown treats" posts will not continue after the other two posts that I've already written have been published. In fear of DHL or some other delivery company delivering my parcel to the wrong address, I have decided to discontinue these types of post. I do not want to risk the situation again where DHL or another company will deliver my parcel with my full name and address to the wrong address.
It seems like a "not a big deal" kind of event, but it's the background of it and everything else. I guess this was just the last straw in a chain of events. And I am still paranoid about my address due to that violating letter from the stalker.
Be kind. Often, I don't think people realise what others are going through or understand that something could trigger emotions. I'd never thought of myself as someone who could be easily-triggered as normally things do just roll off me, but it has. I've also seen people who I guess are having a bad day taking it out on someone else, and I've had this happen to me too. That may be one step away from someone having suicidal thoughts. Stop and think, even if it sounds so simple. Think if what you are doing or saying is causing stress to someone else. Especially if they have repeatedly said it.
I am feeling broken, and I've not been myself at all for awhile. I have been struggling to find motivation and happiness. I often feel I have not got anything to look forward to. Unfortunately, this has caused a bit of a relapse. I will try to continue posting on this blog and hopefully I can get back into the rhythm of it.
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